Sunday, January 21, 2018

"new year, new me"

Assalamualaikum & hi, everyone.

Tergerak hati nak menaip blog post sebab tetiba throwback about school memories and else dengan eileena and kama. At the same time, ada banyak benda nak diceritakan and banyak persoalan yang nak dinyatakan. Haha baru harini tergerak hati. Ewah. Sedar tak sedar dah 5 tahun aku tinggal kan zaman persekolahan. Haha punya la lama sampai tengah throwback tadi ada certain moment aku tetibe lost sebab tak ingat apa yang dorang cakap. Like, some memories dah hilang. Maybe, tu bukan memories yang nak aku kenang sepanjang persekolahan. Haha yela dah dorang dok cakap aku selalu gaduh dengan kama, selalu buli kama. Haha kesian dia, and now aku dah jadi someone yang entah lah. I don't know whether i have changed a lot to become someone better or sebaliknya. Hopefully yang baik baik jela kan. So nak dipendekkan cerita, harini dah macam small reunion between my classmates and I. Walaupun just lepak with 2 orang je, aura and kenangan pasal classmates yang lain membuatkan macam ada perasaan that they are there with us. Laughing and teasing with each other. I do really have a good time today. But, takde la for the whole day throwback je, kitorang dah move on juga dengan catch up with our current life. Tapi hati ni sakit and terkilan juga buat rakan rakan yang dulunya susah senang sama sama. Sama sama menangis sama sama gelak tapi sekarang dah macam stranger. Tahu kehidupan busy, tapi busy yang lain pun masih ada rasa nak tegur sapa each other. Takde sampai nak block block and unfollow dekat memana social media. To be honest, how bad your behaviour rn pun we all will still wanna be there for you no matter what happen. Tapi itulah, tuan punya badan sendiri yang push away kawan kawan ni so takkan la kitorang nak terhegeh -hegeh kan?

So from today's conversation, i learnt something that all of those precious people that come into our life will always give us something in return. Whether it's a good lesson or vice versa. Kita tak boleh berharap semua orang akan sentiasa jadi orang yang kita pernah kenal. Perasaan orang sentiasa berubah, so kita kene selalu expect the unexpected. Sementara belum terlambat, appreciate la orang orang yang masih bersama kita walaupun dia dah kenal our true colors. Nobody is perfect btw. 

Talking about precious people in our life, in this past few days aku tengah dalam kedukaan sebenarnya. Mimpi ngeri yang selama ni yang buat aku paranoid buat aku ragu ragu akhirnya menjadi kenyataan. I never thought that i will face that kind of situation in my relationship all over again. Sakitnya hati ni hanya tuhan yang tahu. I've been crying for days dengan harapan perasaan itu hilang sikit sikit. I can forgive but not forget. Aku sampai macam hilang pedoman sebab asyik fikir dekat mana silap aku. Sebab aku terlalu clingy and mengongkong ke? Aku dah tak cantik and dia dah bosan dengan aku ke? Mungkin aku perlu jadi someone yang dah tak perlu paranoid dengan jangan terlalu caring about him. I need to take everything lightly and don't give a fuck  dengan semua benda dia nak buat. Mungkin dengan cara ni aku boleh jadi lebih tenang. Semua benda macam tu la fikir. Dan akhirnya sampai ke tahap aku salah diri dia 100%. Sampai hati dia buat aku macam ni. Been two days keep on thinking about that, akhirnya atas kerana sayang aku maafkan juga walaupun hati dah hancur berkecai. I keep on forgiving people. Tak tahu la aku tak pernah belajar dari kesilapan relationship yang lalu or aku ni memang jadi bodoh bila bercinta. Haha. Mungkin both. Tapi, berbalik kepada apa yang aku cakap tadi, nobody is perfect. Orang akan sentiasa buat kesilapan walaupun kadang kadang kelakar sebab ulang kesilapan yang sama. Tapi, aku masih nak bagi peluang kedua dengan harapan kali ni dia bebetul maksud kan apa yang dia cakap. Which is nak berubah. "New year, new me". Bukan setakat dia, aku pun mungkin perlu berubah to be someone better.

So as a conclusion, pls pray the best for us :'). 

Monday, January 9, 2017

I'm sorry, maybe the day that I said yes to you was the day your heart already broken to pieces. Your heart broken because of me, so yah I'll never can make you happy all over again. You can have your own happiness without me, so now I can stop torturing myself and so do you.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

you'll have no idea how I miss you so bad.

you'll have no idea how crazy am I thinking about you all the time.

you'll have no idea how bad i wanna go to shah alam right now and hug you and say all of this isn't real.

you'll have no idea that I'm crying so bad like that's the new way to breathe.

you'll have no idea how I want you to be here and pat my head while saying everything is gonna be alright.

you'll have no idea how it's break my heart into pieces when you said you just wanna be friend with me.

you'll have no idea how I love you so much aiman. I don't wanna lose you.

you'll just have no idea how crazy am I right now.

I feel like I wanna die because I can't do this anymore.

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